So, today absolutely qualifies as a combination of the most terrifying, yet undeniably hilarious event thus far in the saga of parenthood for Cary and me. As well as the longest and most word-worthy post I've written as a blogger. I feel it is very important that I accurately portray the events of this day so that I may use it for future reference, I mean, you never know! Read on and you shall see just what I mean...
The day started out like any normal day...except that my Mom was leaving for Costa Rica, would be on a plane all day and unlikely to be able to talk again for quite some time. I was worried about her traveling, as I usually am, but my worry was suddenly overridden by a major calamity of...well...nutty proportions.
It's like this: lunch rolled around so I made us a lovely pita with hummus and feta and some yogurt...but I was lacking something 'crunchy' for McKinley. Oooh! Great idea! I had some pecans that needed to be used, why not? I put a few on his plate and voila! LUNCH! When I was finished I simply walked into the kitchen to put my plate in the dishwasher, I may have stopped briefly at the kitchen counter, but returned quickly to find McKinley sneezing...like crazy.
As my eyes quickly scanned what could be causing this abrupt sneeze-fit, I noticed a tiny, wet bit of pecan leave McKinley's fingers. For a brief moment I thought...hmmm, could be a pecan up his nose...nah! Then the tears came. McKinley was quickly overcome with fear and was screaming and crying and obviously scared. I asked several times, what was wrong, but he was too upset to answer. I asked McKinley if he was choking, he was not. I grabbed his face and looked back in his throat, but something else caught my eyes.
It was something up his nose.
OH.MY.GOD.
There is a PECAN up his NOSE.
A PECAN.
I swear, for an instant I truly wondered how the crap it got up there. Then, in the blink of an eye I remembered seeing that little tiny piece of pecan as it flew across the room.
Me, calmly: "McKinley, Honey, is there a nut up your nose?"
McKinley, in a peal of desperation: "YES!!!!!!!"
OHMYGODTHEREISAPECANUPHISNOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This phrase repeated over and over in my head for the next 6 hours.
Thinking back to the
'Vick's Incident' - aka, Greased Lightnin', I remember being strangely calm. Me. Yes. Calm in Crisis. If only it wasn't just me and McKinley in these situations, maybe my family and friends would BELIEVE me. Alas, I'm left with a toddler to vouch for my calm sanity. Instead, it was my poor hubby who was suddenly crowned Drama King.
Back to the moment of realization...I quickly ran for some tweezers, calmly explained to McKinley that I would try to get the pecan out myself. Well, suffice it to say that McKinley was NOT as calm as his mama and was not in the frame of mind to let me give it a whack.
Determined to try again, I reached for the phone, first dialing Cary's cell, knowing he would not have it with him and would have to call back. I called several times, thus giving him a clue that something was, perhaps, a little off. Second, I called our pediatrician's office. God love them, every employee I spoke with tried so hard not to laugh. I told them it was okay...just so long as they did not do so when we got there. The nurse gave me two choices: head to the E.R. or come to the office. Obviously, the answer was NOT to go where McKinley knew no one, with odd noises, smells and strangers...be in the office in a few minutes...literally.
I calmly told McKinley we were going to go visit Dr. Lily to let her take the pecan out of his nose. "Okay", he said in that same desperate voice that makes me sad.
I carried him to his room where I grabbed the bulb syringe (still not sure why...maybe I thought I could suck it out?), a burp cloth - for the constant nose wiping I would be doing over the next few hours, McKinley's coat, hat and gloves...and then I thought this was something Monkey and Elephant really needed to be in on. I offered up his two buddies, exclusively reserved for naps and bedtime, he gladly accepted them and didn't let go for a long time.
As I put McKinley's coat on, he looked at me with those gorgeous chocolate eyes and between tears said, 'Mommy, I have a NUT up my NOSE!'
I nearly peed my pants fighting so hard NOT to laugh. This was SO not the time to laugh...he needed me for comfort. However, I swear that this was the funniest statement McKinley has ever said. I pulled it together and just hugged my son for a long while.
By this time, Cary was calling back. I simply said, "This is one of those days I need you to keep your cell phone on you while on your route."
Cary: "Okay, why?"
Me: "Uhhh, because McKinley just stuck a pecan up his nose."
Cary, really, really, REALLY loud: "WHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT?"
Me: attempt to repeat sentence above, interrupted by
Cary, even louder: "WHAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT? There's a WHAT? A WHAT? A WHAAAAT? UP his NOSE? A PECAN? WHERE THE HELL DID HE GET A PECAN?"
Me: "Cary, I cannot talk loud. I have to be calm, so stop talking so loud and be calm so I can explain."
Cary: "WHAT IS UP HIS NOSE???"
I quickly explained the situation and told Cary we had to go to Dr. Lily's office and I needed him to get out of work as quickly as possible. I knew from experiences of friends in similar situations that there would a possibility for physical restraints, if not general anesthesia. And I knew I couldn't handle THAT on my own. Cary began busting ass...I could HEAR it. He wanted to be there asap.
Quickly, we exit the house. I have McKinley, Monkey, Elephant, handbag, diaper bag and agenda in hand. Agenda in hand, because I did manage to remember that I had a conference call later in the afternoon (which I also managed to pull it together enough to call my boss to let him know I would not be in said conference call - I can promise he had never received a call like that).
I pulled out of the driveway and turned a normal 15 to 20 minute drive into a 3 to 5 minute drive. No joke. Hazard lights on, I blazed - SAFELY - in and out of traffic, all the while talking to my crying son in the calmest voice I have ever uttered. I actually ran a red light...after a very long pause to make sure there was no oncoming traffic...then I was gone! I already had my mind made up that if I were pulled over by police that I wouldn't do any pulling over. Let there be a chase! Thankfully, all was well.
Once inside Dr. Lily tried to 'fish' out the nut, but could not get a good 'grip' on it. It had become too snotty from the runny nose due to crying and the body's natural attempt to get.it.out.
She began calling an E.N.T. and family friend. Unfortunately, he was in surgery.
Hours go by. A total of 2 and a half in Dr. Lily's office.
Finally, we reach an E.N.T. and are sent on our way, thankfully avoiding the E.R.
Cary met us at the door, visibly startled. McKinley, feeling much more calm, walked up to his father and said, 'Daddy! I have a NUT up my NOSE!'
There we go again...almost peed my pants trying not to laugh.
That child has an uncanny ability that I envy - comedic timing! He's a natural, like his Daddy!
So, we quickly head off to the E.N.T.'s office where more chaos ensues. We arrive, having confirmed that Dr. Lily's office already gave the E.N.T.'s office ALL the info they needed. We only needed to pay our copay and give them a copy of our insurance card.
Wrong. No one at the E.N.T.'s office could locate our information, despite the fact that I personally overheard the transfer of said info. Whatever.
THIRTY minutes later, we finally sat down in the waiting room to do just that...WAIT.
TWO HOURS LATER, Cary and I blew a gasket. The receptionist took a look around the now empty room and asked who we were and why were we here. Oh, so not the thing to ask us. We exploded, she didn't say a word, but instead went home for the day. Nice. About 15 minutes later a nurse came in and said it would be a few minutes. Really? The woman got an earful, but we were finally taken back to see the doctor who would evidently be worth waiting over 2 hours with a child who had a hazardous pecan up his nose.
In literally 5 minutes the nut was removed and all was well. It was not without many tears (mine and McKinley's), a papoose, a LOOOONG set of tweezers and an apparatus that 'separates' things, but at least it was brief. When the pecan made its first appearance in hours, there was a ripple of "oohs, owws, and wow's" through the room. Said pecan was HUGE! HUGE!
We were offered the rights to our precious pecan, but we denied it. In hind sight, we should have at the very least photographed the snotty little pecan for posterity and historical purposes, but we were entirely too busy trying to comfort our boy.
I'm pleased to report that the rest of the day went off without a hitch.
Having had no nap, and very little lunch, McKinley was exhausted. Once in bed, Cary and I rehashed the day...where Cary, revealing that comedic timing he shares with our son, suddenly had a hilarious epiphany! We would award McKinley with a GIANT bag of pecans and serve pecan pie at his wedding!
Cary, I'm holding you to it. Love experiencing parenthood with you!
McKinley, may your future family thoroughly enjoy this story. I am so thankful that you are in my life to school me on all things boy.
God, thank you for being with us today, keeping Mommy calm, and most of all...for a safe, pain free pecan removal.
Whew!
Lynn